Our Little BlessingS

As my two living babies are asleep, my heart is remembering. I am reminded of two times in my life that my heart was broken. Times when I questioned WHY ME.
The first time . . . 1996 - February 16th. I was 19 years old. Young and not making good choices. My parents had just picked me up from college in January. I was pregnant, elated about being a mommy (my lifelong dream) though unsure of what it would entail, for the father was in a bad place in his life. So much so that my parents wanted me to put the baby up for adoption. But a young girl who's dream was finally going to happen, had closed ears and a closed mind. Young, naive. That girl who didn't see the hurt, the pain she caused in those who loved her most, who only wanted the best for her . . . and the baby she carried. That girl, me. God had other plans. I miscarried at home. I was only about 6 weeks along. It took years to "get past" the sadness, past the WHY ME. God's plan that I later decided was for the best because life would have been hard.
The second time my heart was broken, was in 2009 - August 25th. Carl & I had been married 2 years. We found out in July that I was pregnant. August 25th was supposed to be an exciting day . . . we were going to see the first pictures of our sweet baby. Instead we were told that there was no heartbeat. 9 weeks. That's how long I was able to carry my sweet Emily. (We named her 3 years ago, not knowing for sure that she was a she, but went off a gut feeling).
Remember when I said I thought it was for the best (losing my first)? My world was turned upside down. I never thought that I would lose another. I thought my dues were paid. I thought I knew the WHY. Little did I know.
It took years to get to the place I am today. Years of silent grief, silent tears, silent WHY ME's. I am still silent - not because I want to be. I want to shout to people that I have FOUR babies. FOUR! I want the world to know, to recognize . . . but I also don't want people to feel uncomfortable. I don't want that awkward look, awkward silence. So I stay silent.
October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. A day where the silent grief has a voice. A voice of remembrance of the baby/babies who are no longer with us.

The WHY ME can still sneak up on me, because I don't understand - I may never understand. But a letter written by Pastor Saeed to his daughter (you can read it here) reminded me that the answer is WHO. And because I do know the WHO, I know that I will meet/see/hold my babies one day. I will know them and they will know me. I may not have held them in my arms, but I always hold them in my heart.

If you would like to remember those babies lost, but not forgotten - either of your own or of those you know, at 7pm (your time zone) on October 15th, light a candle for an hour so there is a wave of light around the world to remember.