October 15th

As my two living babies are asleep, my heart is remembering.  I am reminded of two times in my life that my heart was broken.  Times when I questioned WHY ME.
  The first time . . . 1996 - February 16th.  I was 19 years old.  Young and not making good choices.  My parents had just picked me up from college in January.  I was pregnant, elated about being a mommy (my lifelong dream) though unsure of what it would entail, for the father was in a bad place in his life.  So much so that my parents wanted me to put the baby up for adoption.  But a young girl who's dream was finally going to happen, had closed ears and a closed mind.  Young, naive.  That girl who didn't see the hurt, the pain she caused in those who loved her most, who only wanted the best for her . . . and the baby she carried.  That girl, me.  God had other plans.  I miscarried at home.  I was only about 6 weeks along.  It took years to "get past" the sadness, past the WHY ME.  God's plan that I later decided was for the best because life would have been hard.
  The second time my heart was broken, was in 2009 - August 25th.  Carl & I had been married 2 years.  We found out in July that I was pregnant.  August 25th was supposed to be an exciting day . . . we were going to see the first pictures of our sweet baby.  Instead we were told that there was no heartbeat.  9 weeks.  That's how long I was able to carry my sweet Emily.  (We named her 3 years ago, not knowing for sure that she was a she, but went off a gut feeling).
  Remember when I said I thought it was for the best (losing my first)?  My world was turned upside down.  I never thought that I would lose another.  I thought my dues were paid.  I thought I knew the WHY.  Little did I know.
  It took years to get to the place I am today.  Years of silent grief, silent tears, silent WHY ME's.  I am still silent - not because I want to be.  I want to shout to people that I have FOUR babies.  FOUR!  I want the world to know, to recognize . . .  but I also don't want people to feel uncomfortable.  I don't want that awkward look, awkward silence.  So I stay silent.
  October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.  A day where the silent grief has a voice.  A voice of remembrance of the baby/babies who are no longer with us.

  The WHY ME can still sneak up on me, because I don't understand - I may never understand.  But a letter written by Pastor Saeed to his daughter (you can read it here) reminded me that the answer is WHO.  And because I do know the WHO, I know that I will meet/see/hold my babies one day.  I will know them and they will know me.  I may not have held them in my arms, but I always hold them in my heart.
 
If you would like to remember those babies lost, but not forgotten -  either of your own or of those you know, at 7pm (your time zone) on October 15th, light a candle for an hour so there is a wave of light around the world to remember.