15 months & 3 months

WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE????

Didn't I just find out we were pregnant with #2?

15 MONTHS

Nathan is getting so big.  He loves to give kisses to Aaron.  He has recently started to help feed him too.  He loves "patting" his back to try and burp him when we do.  And has asked to hold him if we are all on the floor.  (Asking is putting his arms out).  He is no longer walking . . . Nathan is RUNNING!  Everywhere.  If he isn't running he is walking on his tip-toes.  I've tried to video it, but to no avail.  It's darling though.  Nathan loves to do art projects - painting and making fingerprints with a stamp pad.  He is still constantly exploring, watching and learning.  He says "juice" and "dada", "this", "all done", and makes lots of fun noises.  He refuses to say mama. He shakes his head "no", and will sign for "more" (and "all done"). He has wispy curls, and I need to cut his hair, but I am so afraid that the curls will be gone, I just haven't done it.  His hair is getting darker in these colder months and I can't wait to see if he will have his blonde come back in the summer. He now has 12 teeth (4 of which are molars).  Nathan makes me laugh all the time (even when he's supposed to be in trouble, or getting scolded ~ yes, I'm working on my stern face).  I am beyond blessed to be his mama.  

3 MONTHS

Aaron, my sweet, tough, blue-eyed baby.  Yes, tough - his brother can be a little hard on him at times - like when he's pointing to his nose, mouth, tummy, eyes (yikes).  He is my good sleeper!  I have been so blessed by that!  Most of the time he is only getting up once a night, and slowly getting to sleeping through the night (it's happening more and more)!  Aaron is so long!  He's been in his 3 month clothes for a little while now and I'm afraid I'm going to have to break out the 3-6 soon.  He is smiling more and more - and I love that he thinks I'm funny :)  His eyes are a dark, bright blue and I can't get enough of looking at them!  He is losing his red hair, and I am praying that it comes back with at least a little bit of red in it.  Aaron is getting stronger and stronger.  He tries to sit up when he's on your lap and holds his head steady almost all the time.  I am beyond blessed to be his mama!

Pumpkin Decorating

October 15th

As my two living babies are asleep, my heart is remembering.  I am reminded of two times in my life that my heart was broken.  Times when I questioned WHY ME.
  The first time . . . 1996 - February 16th.  I was 19 years old.  Young and not making good choices.  My parents had just picked me up from college in January.  I was pregnant, elated about being a mommy (my lifelong dream) though unsure of what it would entail, for the father was in a bad place in his life.  So much so that my parents wanted me to put the baby up for adoption.  But a young girl who's dream was finally going to happen, had closed ears and a closed mind.  Young, naive.  That girl who didn't see the hurt, the pain she caused in those who loved her most, who only wanted the best for her . . . and the baby she carried.  That girl, me.  God had other plans.  I miscarried at home.  I was only about 6 weeks along.  It took years to "get past" the sadness, past the WHY ME.  God's plan that I later decided was for the best because life would have been hard.
  The second time my heart was broken, was in 2009 - August 25th.  Carl & I had been married 2 years.  We found out in July that I was pregnant.  August 25th was supposed to be an exciting day . . . we were going to see the first pictures of our sweet baby.  Instead we were told that there was no heartbeat.  9 weeks.  That's how long I was able to carry my sweet Emily.  (We named her 3 years ago, not knowing for sure that she was a she, but went off a gut feeling).
  Remember when I said I thought it was for the best (losing my first)?  My world was turned upside down.  I never thought that I would lose another.  I thought my dues were paid.  I thought I knew the WHY.  Little did I know.
  It took years to get to the place I am today.  Years of silent grief, silent tears, silent WHY ME's.  I am still silent - not because I want to be.  I want to shout to people that I have FOUR babies.  FOUR!  I want the world to know, to recognize . . .  but I also don't want people to feel uncomfortable.  I don't want that awkward look, awkward silence.  So I stay silent.
  October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.  A day where the silent grief has a voice.  A voice of remembrance of the baby/babies who are no longer with us.

  The WHY ME can still sneak up on me, because I don't understand - I may never understand.  But a letter written by Pastor Saeed to his daughter (you can read it here) reminded me that the answer is WHO.  And because I do know the WHO, I know that I will meet/see/hold my babies one day.  I will know them and they will know me.  I may not have held them in my arms, but I always hold them in my heart.
 
If you would like to remember those babies lost, but not forgotten -  either of your own or of those you know, at 7pm (your time zone) on October 15th, light a candle for an hour so there is a wave of light around the world to remember.  

14 months & 2 months (september picts)

 Nathan would like to share his cracker with you .  . .

 We LOVE bubbles

 "Hi Shadow"

 First smiles

 "Nose"

 Holding the paci like mama

 Park time fun

 Dino's "nose"

 Look who's 2 Months Old . . .

 Aaron had his 2 Month check up (& shots) today.  He is 23 1/2 inches long, 11.4 lbs, and 13 1/4 head circumference.  25% in weight & a little above average for height.  Shots were hard for both of us, but we both survived :)  Everyone is doing great!

Catching up with pictures

It's all I have time for, but here are some pictures of my cute boys :)

 One Month Pictures (Obviously)

 First Hair Cut by Cris

 Celebrating Nate's 1st Birthday in Oakdale

 Celebrating Aaron's Dedication in Oakdale