Christmas, 17 months & 5 months

Aaron's First Christmas & Nathan's first FUN Christmas :).  We traveled to my parents on Christmas Eve and were able to stay a few nights.  It was so great to spend time with family.  We opened gifts (from Santa) and family there in the morning and then traveled up to my grandparents house for lunch.  It was so fun to watch Nathan actually enjoy his presents.  We were all spoiled immensely, but the greatest gift was to be with those we love ~ celebrating the Greatest Gift of Love ever given!

 The boys continue getting cuter and cuter!  Be still my heart - I am so in love with them!

Nathan is doing more animal sounds, today he did a cow noise (moo), and he does a duck (wack, wack), a chicken (uck, uck).  Over Christmas he said "Gramps" (sounded more like mmps), but was so stinkin' cute!  Today he also started doing the motions to Itsy Bitsy Spider, which took me by surprise because he's never done them before.  I had the biggest smile on my face!  He likes to do Ring Around the Rosie, and walk on his tip toes.  Nathan loves to be chased (and caught).  He loves to "help" too.  For instance, today Aaron was sucking/chewing on my finger, (which apparently Nathan didn't like) so Nathan took my finger out of his mouth and brought him a paci and put it in his mouth.  I am blown away by how much he knows.  Constantly studying, learning.  And he definitely knows what he wants and doesn't want.  He's a smart one!

Aaron is getting better at rolling over and being on his stomach.  He loves to grab things (including my hair) and gives such sweet kisses.  His eyelashes are getting darker and longer, and I noticed today that his eyebrows still have a little red in them.  He sleeps 12-13 hours at night and we are so blessed!  When he cries (which isn't very often) his bottom lip sticks out and he gets these big crocodile tears.  I tear up every time he cries . . . I wonder if that will ever stop?

Growing

Seems like just yesterday I posted about Thanksgiving . . . & now we are 1/2 way through December!  It's been a rough couple of months for me.  Being so far away from family & friends has taken its toll.  My poor husband has gotten the brunt of it, and he's heard me say "I'm sorry" far too many times!  This Christmas Season, though I still have my days, has reminded me of Love, of Light.  I am constantly being reminded of His Truths - in fact one night (not too long ago) I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, the lies trying to take me down, the fear, the worry . . . and I was lead to pray "Remind of Your Truths".  So for 5+ minutes I was reminded - "I will never leave you, nor forsake you", "you are made in My image", "I am the Light of the World", "Cast your cares on Me", "you are loved".  And I cried, but my cup was filled and hope restored.  Why am I saying this?  I am so good at hiding.  Maybe that's why, to keep Light in my darkest places.  Light, Hope, Love.

  I am still growing.

My boys are growing too.  Too fast.  Aaron rolled over last Tuesday, the 9th.  From his back to tummy.  And now he rolls over all the time from back to tummy and tummy to back.  We can no longer leave him on the furniture for a quick second :).   Nathan today said "bra".  :)   We have introduced him to puzzles.  He's not quite there yet, but he tries.  My babies growing into little boys.  Something that we want to happen, something that needs to happen, but it happens so fast.  Growing - a wonderful blessing - for all of us!

Since we live in the desert, no where close to chop down a tree, we purchased a fake one! The best part was of course the BOX! - and that look - one of many that make me smile :)

Clapping for daddy as he put the tree together

 Standing on the BOX

  

 He rolled over!!  Yay Aaron!!

Nathan loves to give Aaron kisses!

we made clay ornaments - they look a lot bigger here!

 And Happy Hanukkah! 

the coolest part of tonight as I went to blow the candles out (cause I was terrified of burning the house down) was that one had already burned out, so I waited/watched the shammus, which was lit first to light the first candle, still glowing but really had nothing left to burn - I watched it light and go down and re-light several times.  I must have watched it for 5 minutes until it finally went out - but I was so wonderfully reminded (again & again) how God sent His Son to be the Light of the World, how He continues to show us His miracles, His Love, His Hope!  

November - in review

November seems to have gotten away from me . . . since it's now December. I can't believe Christmas is right around the corner.

My parents came to visit over Veteran's Day weekend and it was wonderful!  I wish we lived closer.  They are such amazing people - parents & grandparents!  We are so blessed!  

Carl had a birthday that we had fun celebrating!  Nathan decorated daddy's package (because mommy ran out of wrapping paper), but he had fun sitting on, standing on and pushing it around!

We now have a 16 month old & a 4 month old.  Seriously, where has the time gone?  It takes everything in me to remember to relish the days because they go by so quickly.  Have I mentioned lately that I am one blessed mama?  These two boys of mine bring me so much joy, and I am so thankful that I get to call them mine!

  Nathan - 16 months!  He is into everything.  Testing the boundaries.  Singing & dancing & clapping.  He loves to stack - anything. . . blocks, legos, cars on top of cars.  He stands on one of his riding cars with great balance.  He recently took up mopping the floors :).  He loves to hold his brother and is constantly asking "this?" as he points to everything in the rooms.  He gives the best hugs and kisses.  Nathan loves to facetime with Yaya (& Gramps).  His favorite tv show is "The Chica Show".  This week he did the motions and sounds to an elephant and the sound of a lion as we were reading "Goodnight Gorilla".  He copied Gramps and said "kick" clear as day (of course we haven't heard it since).  He clicks my fingernails with his when he is having a bottle, and I love it!  He is still growing like a weed and is still a big eater (especially meat).  

His 15 month check up stats:

weight:  24.4 lbs

height:  32.75 inches

Thanksgiving was lovely.  We were able to see both my parents and Carl's parents.  We stayed with Carl's parents and Thanksgiving there with lots of family!  It was a beautiful time and I am grateful that we were able to spend that time with them. We celebrated Auntie Shells birthday and saw the chickens and the turning trees.  At Yaya & Gramps Nathan played the piano for the first time and spent a little time with cousins and Auntie.  It was short but wonderful! We are looking forward to spending more time with all of them soon!

  Aaron - 4 months! A year ago today we found out we were pregnant with him!  My sweet, easy going baby!  Sleeping through the night (12ish hours).  He is cooing more and more everyday.  He has the biggest smile and smiles with his eyes as well.  Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with joy, I cry.  Aaron loves to sit up in your lap and has started wanting to stand as well.  He isn't great on his tummy (which is my fault, I'm lucky if I remember once a week to do tummy time with him.  He loves to grab toys in front of him and is getting pretty good at putting his thumb in his mouth (it doesn't stay there long, but he finds it :)  )  Aaron holds my fingers while he gets his bottle and I cherish these moments.  

His 4 month check up stats:

weight: 15.6 lbs

height: 26.5 inches

head: 16 1/4 inches

Aaron is 2 inches taller and a pound heavier than Nathan was a 4 months.  I just today put him in 6 month clothing - and he's not swimming in them!  

Halloween

This was the first year that Nathan dressed up.  We only went to one house (our friend's house) because he didn't nap and was extremely tired . . . BUT he made the cutest dragon!  And of course it was Aaron's first "holiday".  Here are my cute boys:

15 months & 3 months

WHERE HAS THE TIME GONE????

Didn't I just find out we were pregnant with #2?

15 MONTHS

Nathan is getting so big.  He loves to give kisses to Aaron.  He has recently started to help feed him too.  He loves "patting" his back to try and burp him when we do.  And has asked to hold him if we are all on the floor.  (Asking is putting his arms out).  He is no longer walking . . . Nathan is RUNNING!  Everywhere.  If he isn't running he is walking on his tip-toes.  I've tried to video it, but to no avail.  It's darling though.  Nathan loves to do art projects - painting and making fingerprints with a stamp pad.  He is still constantly exploring, watching and learning.  He says "juice" and "dada", "this", "all done", and makes lots of fun noises.  He refuses to say mama. He shakes his head "no", and will sign for "more" (and "all done"). He has wispy curls, and I need to cut his hair, but I am so afraid that the curls will be gone, I just haven't done it.  His hair is getting darker in these colder months and I can't wait to see if he will have his blonde come back in the summer. He now has 12 teeth (4 of which are molars).  Nathan makes me laugh all the time (even when he's supposed to be in trouble, or getting scolded ~ yes, I'm working on my stern face).  I am beyond blessed to be his mama.  

3 MONTHS

Aaron, my sweet, tough, blue-eyed baby.  Yes, tough - his brother can be a little hard on him at times - like when he's pointing to his nose, mouth, tummy, eyes (yikes).  He is my good sleeper!  I have been so blessed by that!  Most of the time he is only getting up once a night, and slowly getting to sleeping through the night (it's happening more and more)!  Aaron is so long!  He's been in his 3 month clothes for a little while now and I'm afraid I'm going to have to break out the 3-6 soon.  He is smiling more and more - and I love that he thinks I'm funny :)  His eyes are a dark, bright blue and I can't get enough of looking at them!  He is losing his red hair, and I am praying that it comes back with at least a little bit of red in it.  Aaron is getting stronger and stronger.  He tries to sit up when he's on your lap and holds his head steady almost all the time.  I am beyond blessed to be his mama!

Pumpkin Decorating

October 15th

As my two living babies are asleep, my heart is remembering.  I am reminded of two times in my life that my heart was broken.  Times when I questioned WHY ME.
  The first time . . . 1996 - February 16th.  I was 19 years old.  Young and not making good choices.  My parents had just picked me up from college in January.  I was pregnant, elated about being a mommy (my lifelong dream) though unsure of what it would entail, for the father was in a bad place in his life.  So much so that my parents wanted me to put the baby up for adoption.  But a young girl who's dream was finally going to happen, had closed ears and a closed mind.  Young, naive.  That girl who didn't see the hurt, the pain she caused in those who loved her most, who only wanted the best for her . . . and the baby she carried.  That girl, me.  God had other plans.  I miscarried at home.  I was only about 6 weeks along.  It took years to "get past" the sadness, past the WHY ME.  God's plan that I later decided was for the best because life would have been hard.
  The second time my heart was broken, was in 2009 - August 25th.  Carl & I had been married 2 years.  We found out in July that I was pregnant.  August 25th was supposed to be an exciting day . . . we were going to see the first pictures of our sweet baby.  Instead we were told that there was no heartbeat.  9 weeks.  That's how long I was able to carry my sweet Emily.  (We named her 3 years ago, not knowing for sure that she was a she, but went off a gut feeling).
  Remember when I said I thought it was for the best (losing my first)?  My world was turned upside down.  I never thought that I would lose another.  I thought my dues were paid.  I thought I knew the WHY.  Little did I know.
  It took years to get to the place I am today.  Years of silent grief, silent tears, silent WHY ME's.  I am still silent - not because I want to be.  I want to shout to people that I have FOUR babies.  FOUR!  I want the world to know, to recognize . . .  but I also don't want people to feel uncomfortable.  I don't want that awkward look, awkward silence.  So I stay silent.
  October 15th is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day.  A day where the silent grief has a voice.  A voice of remembrance of the baby/babies who are no longer with us.

  The WHY ME can still sneak up on me, because I don't understand - I may never understand.  But a letter written by Pastor Saeed to his daughter (you can read it here) reminded me that the answer is WHO.  And because I do know the WHO, I know that I will meet/see/hold my babies one day.  I will know them and they will know me.  I may not have held them in my arms, but I always hold them in my heart.
 
If you would like to remember those babies lost, but not forgotten -  either of your own or of those you know, at 7pm (your time zone) on October 15th, light a candle for an hour so there is a wave of light around the world to remember.